Ointment Transcript 4/2/07

"The Ointment" Episode #269: "It Takes One to Know One"

It's Monday, April 2, 2007 and you are watching "The Ointment." As they say, "April showers bring gay flowers." I'm Steve Tatham and I want to be your April Fool.

TITLE: Shiny First Quarter
Our top story... Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton raised $36 million breaking the all-time fundraising record for a presidential candidate. The record was held by her husband when he was raising funds for his reelection bid. He raised money by promising campaign donors that he would personally insert a cigar into the orifice of their choice.

TITLE: Tommy Can They Hear You?
In other campaign news, Republican Tommy Thompson declared that he is a candidate for President of the United States. Well, it's not really so much news as it is a sad cry for attention.

TITLE: What Else is On?
Iranian television broadcast new footage of UK soldiers being held hostage in Iran. The Fox television network immediately optioned the footage for a new television reality series called "Who Wants to Start a War?"

TITLE: It Takes One to Know One
Henry Kissinger announced over the weekend that a military victory is no longer possible in Iraq. He said, however, that he does sympathize with President Bush. In a statement Kissinger said, "I feel sorry for these guys. But on the other hand, I feel great because they screwed up even worse than we did."

TITLE: A Flood of News
Two major earthquakes rocked the South Pacific creating a tsunami in the Solomon Islands. A spokesperson for the National Weather Service said, "We don't have a bureau in the Solomon Islands. We don't have footage of the tsunami in the Solomon Islands. So it's not really news, is it?"

TITLE: Smearing Art
The exhibit by New York artist Cosimo Cavallaro, of a 6-foot tall chocolate Jesus, has been cancelled due to threats and outraged reaction from Catholics everywhere, including from Cardinal Edward Egan. The Cardinal said "how dare anyone exhibit a chocolate Jesus during this holy week of Easter. Everyone knows that our faith is best represented by little chocolate eggs and chocolate bunnies."

TITLE: Applemania
In entertainment news, Beatles fans’ hopes everywhere were dashed when an expected announcement didn't come to pass making the Beatles catalog available via iTunes. Steve Jobs, however, the head of Apple, did say you can now download him humming the entire Sergeant Pepper soundtrack.

TITLE: Long Distance Message
And finally... a diary purchased on eBay may contain clues of the last days of pioneering aviator Amelia Earhart. A reporter was listening to her very last transmission and wrote it down verbatim and that transcript has now been sold to some lucky bidder. And this is what Amelia Earhart said, and I quote "Write this down and in 70 years sell the rights to the highest bidder."

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody.

(WATCH this episode)