Ointment Transcript 4/3/07

"The Ointment" Episode #270: "Baseball, Passover and Poetry"

It's Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007. Woo-hoo! Buckeyes! Go Bucks! What's that? Oh. What I meant to say is "Go Gators. Woo-hoo! Number one! All right Gators!" You know this whole little bit here is giving me déjà vu. I feel like I just did this like three months ago.

So baseball season starts this week, it's Passover and April is national poetry month. So I say "Take me out to the ballgame - you gotsta. Unless you'd rather stay home and eat matzah." That is talent.

So, I'm gonna change.

There. That's better. Image: very important here in Hollywood. In case you had any doubt about that... LA Times. This guy: King Henry VIII, because, as we all know, the King loved Pilates and had his hair done by Jose Eber.

TITLE: Green Supremes
Our top story: the United States Supreme Court ruled that the Environmental Protection Agency can actually regulate carbon emissions from automobiles. This is a blow to the Bush administration. Imagine their surprise when they learned that the Environmental Protection Agency is actually allowed to protect the environment.

TITLE: Absentee Voters
In other political news, Barack Obama, the United States Senator who's running for President of the United States, said that he does not believe the Democratic-lead US Senate will vote to ending funding for the war in Iraq because, despite strongly held beliefs, this would involve - how do you say? Oh yeah, following through on a conviction.

TITLE: Spent
Turning to business news, New Century, the big mortgage company in Irvine, California, has gone Chapter 11 - a sign of the slumping housing industry. This is a mortgage company that used to give a lot of loans to people with very poor credit. But the company has a plan for turning itself around. Now that it has bad credit, it's gonna loan itself a lot of money.

TITLE: The Final Frontier
In entertainment news, remember James Doohan? He played Scotty from "Star Trek." Well, he passed away, sadly. And now his remains are being blasted into outer space in, what I like to call, the "Scotty Rocket." And the good news for Scotty, in space no one can hear your bad acting.

TITLE: Hairy Fight
Turning to wrestling news, it's the fake Battle of the Billionaires and it has been resolved. Surrogate wrestlers representing Vince McMahon, the wrestling entrepreneur and Donald Trump, the real estate magnate, battled it out and Team Trump emerged victorious. To add humiliation to defeat, Trump shaved the head of McMahon because that was the bet. And, let me tell you, it's a good thing it wasn't the other way around. Cause I don't think McMahon would have ever been able to get his razor through that hair of Trump's and all that product.

TITLE: News Alert
And finally... in entertainment news, pop icon Hilary Duff said she feels pressure not to be fat and to stay thin. Oh, you know, my bad. I got confused. I thought I was reading the newspaper but apparently I was reading Hilary Duff's diary.

That's "The Ointment" for another day. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow everybody.

(WATCH this episode)