Ointment Transcript 4/5/07

"The Ointment" Episode #272: "Exit Strategy"

It's Wed- nesday... No, it's not. It's Thursday, April... it's the day you're supposed to put on the microphone. It's Thursday, April 5, 2007. It's National Alcohol Screening Day but, Mom let's not let that get in the way of celebrating your birthday. I'm Steve Tatham and there's double your money back if you’re not satisfied.

TITLE: Exit Strategy
Our top story... the country of Iran has released all 15 UK troops that it was holding hostage. President Bush said "Well, that's OK. We'll find another reason to go to war with them."

TITLE: Who's the Boss?
Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is in Syria, a nation that the U.S. considers a terrorist state. President Bush, from Washington D.C. said "I don't like her going to Syria. I don't approve. But at least it's better than her being here."

TITLE: Has He Found What He's Looking For Yet?
Rock star, Bono, of U2, was knighted this week by the Queen of England. And he said "I'm happy to be knighted but I'm not gonna rest until I'm sainted."

TITLE: Get a Life
The very popular virtual gaming site of "Second Life" is being infiltrated by federal officers after reports of gambling inside of the online universe. Federal officers are going in, as avatars, into the cyber-universe to investigate these gambling reports. If people are discovered to be spending all their time gambling inside of this internet site, they will be arrested. And, if convicted, they will not be held prisoner. They will instead be forced to go outside and get some fresh air.

TITLE: Burning Issue
Three Yale students were yesterday were arrested for burning the American flag. However, the U.S. Supreme Court has consistently ruled that flag-burning is protected as free speech. So, they're going to have to let these students go unless, and until; and don't underestimate the makers of the Patriot Act, someone figures out how to burn the U.S. Constitution.

TITLE: Family Ties
A new opinion poll about the Republican candidates running for President indicates that John McCain doesn't have a huge problem because of his advanced age. Mitt Romney does not have a huge problem because he's a Mormon. And Giuliani doesn't have a huge problem because he's been married three times. Although, it didn't ask in the poll "What do you think about a guy who marries his cousin?" Wait 'til that poll comes out Giuliani.

TITLE: Sam Fox
Hey, remember Sam Fox? That business man that gave a lot of money to Swift Boat Veterans for Truth and then George Bush decided to make him ambassador to Belgium and then the Congress said "No deal." Guess what. Congress is now on vacation so Bush said "Hey, you're appointed. You're in, Sam!" You know, Bush has become like the substitute teacher. Congress makes laws and then when they're out of town, Bush ignores them. Yeah, it's like "Yeah, Mrs. Waselchalk always let's us do it this way. We always pass the bong around during spelling bees."

Having a substitute teacher... (PHONE RINGS) Can somebody get that?

TITLE: Father Blows Best
And finally... in entertainment news. I guess this is entertaining. Keith Richards is denying reports that he took his father's remains as ashes - mixed 'em together with cocaine and snorted them. As delightful an idea as that is, he says it's not true. And if you look at this picture of Keith Richards, you kinda have to ask yourself "Maybe he was snorting his own remains."

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody. Happy Birthday, Mom.

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