Ointment Transcript 4/11/07

"The Ointment" Episode #276: "Guest: Joleen Lutz"

STEVE: It's Wednesday, April 11, 2007 and you are watching "The Ointment." I'm Steve Tatham and I want you to be my little deduction. Only four more days to get your taxes done. Today is the anniversary of the cease-fire in the Persian Gulf War in 1991. And since then in the region, sixteen years of peace and prosperity.

TITLE: GONE-zales
STEVE: Our top story: The subpoena has gone out to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales for his involvement in the firing of US attorneys. This guy's in a lot of trouble. He's gonna need some help. Too bad he doesn't know any decent lawyers.

TITLE: Special Guest
STEVE: Wednesdays here on the show we invite a special guest in the studio. Today we have Joleen Lutz, an animal naturalist. She's the Dr. Ruth of animal behavior cause she knows everything there is to know about animal sex. She's been seen on the "Tonight Show with Jay Leno", on M-TV, Animal Planet and she speaks at "Woo in the Zoo" at the Los Angeles Zoo here in town. And today she's gonna talk dirty to us.

JOLEEN: I, I thought I'd talk to you a little bit about some sexy beasts. And if you're under the impression that sex is, you know, just pretty much sex and most species do it the same way, boy, are you gonna be surprised. Now, this critter on my shoulder, here, is the common opossum.

STEVE: Opossum?

JOLEEN: And yeah, you do want to put that "O" when you pronounce the name. She's a marsupial, just like a kangaroo from Australia. But you can find her right here in Southern California in your own backyard. Now, the males will have what's called a "bifurcated" penis.

STEVE:Is there a veterinarian for that?

JOLEEN: OK, big word. Just means "forked." Looks something like this at the end. (HOLDS HER FINGERS IN A PEACE SIGN) And the reason why it's forked, is it needs to plug into the female. See, she has a double vagina and a double uterus. Who knew? Right? OK, speaking of double, that pet iguana that you might have at home or any lizard or snake, well, they have double copulatory organs. That's right, two penises - not one. Double your pleasure. Double your fun with two penises, not one.

STEVE: Are there other animals out there doubling their pleasure?

JOLEEN: The common garden snail - something you'll also find in your backyard - something that this critter would like to eat as a tasty treat - well, that particular snail is a hermaphrodite. That's right, it's two, two, two sexes in one. Now, the idea is not for the snail to self-fertilize; but, the idea is to double the snail's chances when meeting another snail. You now, getting lucky. So, there are some animals that change genders. You know, there mom at one time and pop at another. Different species of snails do this - a few fish, some lizards. But then there's some animals where there's only one sex.

STEVE: Just like West Hollywood.

JOLEEN: Uh... whip tail lizards, southwest United States: only females. Sisters, doin' it for themselves. Do you remember the movie "Jurassic Park"?

STEVE: That's not exactly the movie I was thinking of.

JOLEEN: Only females, right? But they started to reproduce. So they're doing something called carthinogenesis. And, you know, if that's Greek to you, it's OK. It's Greek to all of us. And it's Greek for virgin birth. See, virgin birth really does exist in science. Basically, what they're doing, is they're cloning. Now cloning is very good to increase the number of a species very rapidly. But, the down side is, well, everybody is pretty much like everybody else. So you have the same resistance to diseases and infection. So that going extinct is a very strong possibility. So, we see that sex evolved as a way to shuffle the genetic card. Sex is nature's way of keeping up with change. Cause, you know, the only thing constant in life is change.

STEVE: That is true. As is the fact that we're just about out of time, but Joleen thanks a lot for coming in today. Do you mind, before you go, if I come over there and pet Gladys?

JOLEEN: Yes. Definitely. As long as you don't mind a wet nose.

STEVE: Now, will she be frightened if I... ?

JOLEEN: She'll open her mouth if she's frightened and so she... Want me to put her on your shoulder?

STEVE: Well...

JOLEEN: Oh, live dangerously, right? On the edge. She lives in a tree so she's gonna hold on very tightly...

STEVE: OK

JOLEEN: ...with her nails.

STEVE: All right.

JOLEEN: So it's good you have a nice, thick coat on there. There you go. You can see all those whiskers on her face.

STEVE: This is fun.

JOLEEN: Yeah, that's a good sign. Oops. There you go.

STEVE: I think that's enough of the fun.

JOLEEN: OK

STEVE: Thanks, Gladys.

JOLEEN: Wanna see her pouch?

STEVE: Of course I want to see her pouch.

JOLEEN: You can see it in here. See?

STEVE: Oh, OK. That's a pouch. She's smiling. She likes me looking at her pouch. All right. Well, thank you.

JOLEEN: Thank you.

STEVE: Thank you, Joleen. Thank you Gladys.

TITLE: Coming into Money
STEVE: And finally, speaking of animal sex, the results are in. And the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby is... Larry Birkhead. Poor Howard K. Stern. He had to sleep with Anna Nicole Smith for nothing.

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody.

JOLEEN: She smells to me like Cheetohs. Like really rank Cheetohs.

(WATCH this episode)