Ointment Transcript 4/16/07

"The Ointment" Episode #279: "Do Your Taxes"

It's Monday, April 16, 2007. It's Patriot's Day. I'm Steve Tatham and I'm reporting for duty and you are watching "The Ointment".

TITLE: Losers
Our top story: Get your taxes in. You have 'til midnight tonight to file your US income taxes. And you have an extra day this year, so you have no excuse. The good news: if you don't file, the US government may lose your tax bill. Because, apparently, they've lost 5 million emails. This has come to light because of the investigation into the firing of US attorneys.

TITLE: Going Going GONE-zales
Alberto Gonzales says in the case he has nothing to hide. Because he has people do that for him.

TITLE: Hard On the Case
Former US Senator Bob Dole, who's on the commission that's looking into charges that U.S. soldiers are not being treated well when they return from war, said "This is not gonna be a witch hunt. In fact," he said "we're not even really gonna look that hard."

TITLE: Flying Vice
Dateline: Chicago. U.S. Vice-President Dick Cheney is just fine after an incident in which his airplane, upon landing at Chicago's O'Hare International Airport, collided with a bird. Nobody was injured. Although, just to be on the safe side, the Vice President shot the bird.

TITLE: Acting Presidential
Former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson, who in a recent L.A. Times poll, came in second for the race for the Republican nomination for the U.S. Presidency, despite not being a declared candidate, said he may enter the race when his acting duties are completed on "Law & Order" in June. He'll enter the race if his demands are met. He wants an extra-long trailer. He wants a massage daily. He wants the camera only to shoot him from his good side and he wants only green M&M's in the green room.

TITLE: Blood Money
In entertainment news... I guess this is entertaining, O.J. Simpson has squelched the deal that would have allowed Ron Goldman's father, Fred Goldman, to receive millions of dollars from profits in the sale of the hypothetical book "If I Did It," in which O.J. Simpson chronicles how he "hypothetically" might have murdered his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ron Goldman, Fred's son. You know, he said he wanted profits not to go to the Goldmans or the Browns but to his children. He wanted to set an example for his children. The lesson here is, he said, if, uh, your daddy stabs your mommy to death, he should at least be allowed to profit from that.

TITLE: Success Has Many Fathers, Failure Files a Lawsuit
And finally... Howard K. Stern who was discovered recently not to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, according to DNA tests, has filed a slander lawsuit against Anna Nicole Smith's mother's attorney. According to Stern, he said, the public airwaves should never be used to promote your personal agenda." Then, he added, "Unless that personal agenda is mine."

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody.

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