Ointment Transcript 4/23/07

"The Ointment" Episode #283: "White Supreme-ists"

It's Monday, April 23, 2007 and you are watching "The Ointment." I'm Steve Tatham and now that Earth Day is over for another year, just watch how madly I consume fossil fuels. And today is film icon Shirley Temple's birthday. I would like to wish her a happy one. Even though she's 79 years old, I bet she still dances better than Paulina Porizkova.

TITLE: White Supreme-ists
Our top story is about the Supreme Court, who refused last week to take a case involving an employee of IBM who complained about racist comments being made in the workplace. The Supreme Court decided that a single racist comment, no matter how heinous, didn't involve a hostile work environment. So, I advise everyone who's a racist: speak up. You've got a reprieve from the Supreme Court. You know all those films they make you sit through when you're an employee of a big corporation about not making sexist comments or racist comments? Ignore them because, if you complain about those kind of comments in the workplace, you can get canned. So, what I think we chould all do is file a class action lawsuit for making us sit through those films. But, then again, we could also file a class action lawsuit for having to listen to offensive comments like Supreme Court rulings which deny our civil rights.

TITLE: Wonder Which One Hates Us More?
And I have some election results. This just in from the nation of France. There's going to be a run-off election in that country's election for the Presidency between the top two vote-getters. They were a liberal woman, Segolene Royal, and a conservative man, Nicholas Sarkozy. I think there's a great lesson in this for the United States of America. The run-off is going to be in two weeks. Here in the Unites States, we're probably going to have our top two candidates nine months prior to the general election. Two weeks! Can you imagine? In France, they have movies longer than two weeks. They have meals longer than two weeks. But you know what they don't have? They don't have to flood the airwaves with all those TV commercials. They have to spend those two weeks, though, doing what we don't do, which is educating the voters on the issues.

TITLE: Invasive Surgery
Here's a strange but true medical story. A woman had her gall bladder removed and extracted through her vagina because surgeons are looking for new ways to speed up the recovery to get you out the door faster so the insurance company doesn't have to pay for those long recuperations that involve the healing of the stomach muscles. It's a great technique for her. Although, now when she eats spicy foods she no longer has trouble with her gall bladder, and as a bonus, she has an orgasm.

TITLE: Worse Than "The Marrying Man"
In entertainment news, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger are heating up their war of words. They are now using their daughter as a weapon. If you haven't heard, this has been all over the internet. There is a tape recording of Baldwin calling his eleven year-old daughter a "pig", which Basinger released to the press, in a just sensationally gracious move, putting the child's wishes first. I don't know how they could have a kid who is eleven... or, according to Baldwin, "eleven or twelve." He wasn't quite sure. I don't know how they could have a kid who's a pig because, well, look at her role models.

TITLE: Going Going GONE-zales
And this news on Alberto Gonzales. You know what? I'm tired of news about Alberto Gonzales. Get out already! Is he still here? Is he here? C'mon, help him pack and escort him to the door. Why drag this out? It's just... Is he really still here? C'mon, Alberto, it's... You're past your welcome. You're like a houseguest who won't leave. You've past stinking. You're onto decaying. You're like Michael Richards in his eighth minute of a racist rant on stage. Get off already!

TITLE: Her Crowning Achievement
And finally... I have this update on Miss America from 1944, Venus Ramey, who had retired to a farm down South. When some thieves were on her property, the pistol-packing granny... that's right, she was packing heat; she took out her gun and chased the thieves away. Way to go, Miss America, striking a blow for world peace.

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody.

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