Ointment Transcript 4/30/07

"The Ointment" Episode #288: "The Dance of Diplomacy"

Condoleezza Rice is in Egypt where she may have a chat with her Iranian counterpart, the Turks are in an uproar and oil wells may soon populate your ocean view. And no matter how bad things get for President Bush, he still loves to dance! All this and Richard Gere is wanted for kissing the cheek of Shilpa Shetty.

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Ointment Transcript 4/27/07

"The Ointment" Episode #287: "Week in Review 4/27/07"

Steve looks back at some of the top stories for the previous week, including the Democratic Presidential debate, Phil Spector's hair and the News Quiz Question!

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Ointment Transcript 4/26/07

"The Ointment" Episode #286: "The Ointment's Weekend Preview 4/26/07"

Steve looks at the weekend's entertainment offerings, including the Nicholas Cage movie "Next", the new DVD release "The Queen" and the internet site of the week, "www.webbyawards.com."

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Ointment Transcript 4/25/07

"The Ointment" Episode #285: "Guest: Jesse Brune"

STEVE: It's Wednesday, April 25, 2007 and you are watching "The Ointment." I'm Steve Tatham. Today is "Administrative Professionals' Day", or as it used to be known, "Secretaries' Day." And before that it was, uh, "Hey, Beautiful, Fetch Me a Cup o' Joe, Would Ya?"

TITLE: Buy High, Sell Low
STEVE: Our top story: bad news for homeowners. Sales of existing houses dropped by the biggest margin in twenty years. So now, instead of sitting around counting how big of a pile of money you're sitting on, you're gonna have to go outside and go to work.

TITLE: Special Guest
STEVE: Wednesdays here on the show, we invite a special guest into the studio. Today we have a reality TV star. His name is Jesse Brune and he's a guest with whom I have about nothing in common. His two biggest interests are working out and cooking. I do neither one.

OFFSCREEN VOICE (MARY): Wouldn't it be funnier if you said "Because he's buff and he... "

STEVE: Wednesdays here on the show, we invite a special guest into the studio. Today we have reality TV star, Jesse Brune, from Bravo TV's "Workout." And he's a guest with whom I have virtually nothing in common because he's buff and he cooks. He's a Cordon Bleu-trained chef and a fitness instructor and you can see him doing these two things every Tuesday at 10PM on Bravo TV. Today he's going to cook something for us. That's right, we're doing a cooking segment. I feel just like Regis. Does Regis do cooking segments? I don't know. But, I bet, if he did, they'd be great. So, we're gonna go to the kitchen and I asked Jesse to make something simple that we could make at home and that we could make in three minutes. So, let's go to the kitchen and check it out.

STEVE: We are in the kitchen. And since I don't know what to do in the kitchen, I have help here from Jesse Brune from Bravo TV's "Workout" and he's gonna make something delicious for us, aren't ya?

JESSE: Yes. Delicious and simple... and fast.

STEVE: Delicious, simple and fast?

JESSE: The kind of qualities that I usually use to describe myself.

STEVE: Really? OK, well, I can't wait, then. Um, so so tell us about it.

JESSE: All right. So seeing how it's springtime, I thought it'd be nice to actually... this is my favorite soup. I fell in love with it in New York for summer. It's a chilled cucumber soup.

STEVE: Sounds great.

JESSE: Super quick. Super easy. We're actually using the "dumping method" which is a very technical term.

STEVE: Now that doesn't sound so tasty.

JESSE: Well it's a very fancy... it's French I believe. Dumping. Um, and um...

STEVE: Wait, wait. Speaking of French, you actually studied French cooking...

JESSE: Mm-hmm, at Le Cordon Bleau.

STEVE: Now that's fancy.

JESSE: That is. I, I, I felt very fancy for a while there. It, it... Not any more. So here's what we're gonna do: It's gonna be really quick. You got the cucumbers. We have garlic, shallots; we have some cilantro, paprika, black pepper and salt with a little organic buttermilk. All right, what we're gonna do... All you need to do this is have this: a blender. OK? We're going to simply take the cucumbers, really quick chop. I'm surprised I didn't cut my finger off. I'm like, as soon as, as soon as the pressure's on I always bleed.

STEVE: Oh, there's no pressure here.

JESSE: I feel so much pressure right now. So, I mean, the great thing about this soup is that you don't have to be precise at all. You can just, you know, whatever, whatever, whatever you're feeling that day.

STEVE Really?

JESSE: Yeah. I like to peel off a couple of... I like to peel off a little... a few layers of the skin because...

STEVE: Of your finger? Or from the...?

JESSE: Of the cucumber.

STEVE: OK.

JESSE: Of the cucumber. Because it's actually kind of bitter. And so, why don't we just start with this? Pretty much add whatever flavors you want. I like to use garlic, shallots, and, um, lemon. I think it gives it kind of a nice... a nice little zest there. And uh, you know, season. Add salt, pepper; I always put paprika in it because I put paprika in everything. And it's just to taste. However you like it. Some people like it a little more salty. You just throw everything in the blender and give it a good whirl and really , you have soup in less than a minute. We've got the shallots. It's simple but it's good. And this, honestly, should just about do it.

STEVE: That's it?

JESSE: Yeah, that's...

STEVE: I, I might be able to make this.

JESSE: Yeah, actually. Most people can. It's great.

STEVE: Can I taste it?

JESSE: Absolutely.

STEVE: Mmm.

JESSE: It's nice, right?

STEVE: That's very good. Refreshing.

JESSE: Refreshing.

STEVE: It's very spring-like.

JESSE: A little fact about cucumbers. They actually help lower your body temperature. So on a hot day, something like this would be perfect because it'll cool you off.

STEVE: Oh, really? So it's great after a workout?

JESSE: Absolutely. The trick to sprucing up any meal, really, is just a little garnish. We're using the cilantro jut to plop it in there. And then, suddenly, you're at a five-star restaurant, aren't ya?

STEVE: Look at that. That's pretty.

JESSE: There you go. Perfect. My favorite, all-time favorite summer soup.

STEVE: Well, thanks, Jesse.

JESSE: Thank you very much.

STEVE: Now tell everyone when they can watch your show.

JESSE: Well, you can watch "Workout" every Tuesday at 10PM on Bravo. You better watch it every Tuesday at 10PM on Bravo.

STEVE: It's mandatory.

JESSE: It's actually mandatory. Now it's mandatory. Yes.

STEVE: Well, thanks for coming in the kitchen.

JESSE: Thank you, so much for having me.

STEVE: Jesse Brune, ladies and gentlemen. That was Jesse Brune from Bravo TV's "Workout." Now, get cookin' out there. Even if you're at the office, whip up a little cucumber soup for you colleagues. They'll thank you.

TITLE: L.A. Not So Confidential
STEVE: And finally... from the world of entertainment we have some news from Kim Basinger or Bass-inger or as Alec Baldwin calls her, "the bitch to whom I used to be married" -- which I think is really unkind and uncalled for. She said she didn't release that audio tape; the one where Alec Baldwin is calling their daughter a "pig". She said she didn't release it. She doesn't know who did. Although she does commit to continuing to release her venom publicly on her ex-husband whenever given the opportunity.

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody. Now go make some soup!

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Ointment Transcript 4/24/07

"The Ointment" Episode #284: "General Confusion"

It's Tuesday, April 24, 2007 and you are watching "The Ointment." I'd like to wish Barbara Streisand a very happy 65th birthday. Now, this would be time for her to retire, but you never retire when you're the moral leader of the known world. I'm Steve Tatham and I say "enough is enough." Today is also Aremenian Memorial Day, or as it's known here in Glendale, every day of the year.

TITLE: General Confusion
Our top story is the U.S. Senate debates a measure that would call U.S. troops home from Iraq beginning October 1st. President Bush made a statement saying he doesn't think politicians in the United States ought to be telling generals overseas what to do. Really? He doesn't think politicians ought to tell generals what to do? Well, how did those generals get over to Iraq? Did they just wake up one day and say "Hmm, I think today is a good day to over to Iraq and start a war."

TITLE: It's Incurable
Speaking of President Bush, his father, George Bush Sr. was on the "Larry King Show" and he said he thinks Americans are experiencing a little "Bush fatigue." And I'd say that's a little bit of an understatement. It's more like "Chronic Bush Fatigue."

And speaking of President Bush, let's take a look at his calendar. Where in the world is President Bush today? Well, he finds himself right smack dab in the middle of Harlem in New York City. President Bush says he always loves to visit Harlem because he really enjoys going to foreign countries.

TITLE: Hailing a Tax
And, speaking of New York City, the fathers and mothers of New York City are thinking of imposing a levee on the automobiles entering into Manhattan. It'll cost eight bucks to get into the City of New York. My question is, how much is it going to cost to get out?

TITLE: Politic's a Beach
Senator John McCain, who's running for President of the United States, got himself in some trouble the other day. He was speaking to a veterans group and they asked him "Hey, John, what should we do about the situation over there in Iran?" And he broke out into, oddly, but somewhat cleverly, a Beach Boys song parody. He said "Bomb, bomb, bomb. Bomb, bomb Iran." Well, I have an answer to Senator McCain with my own Beach Boys song parody. I say to you, Senator, "That'll be fun, fun, fun, 'til the voters take their support away."

And you're welcome for me not singing that thing.

TITLE: Wall of Sound
Citizens of Iraq were out in the streets protesting. They were complaining about walls being constructed by the U.S. military to cordon off different neighborhoods. They were sectioning off Sunni, Kurd and Shiite neighborhoods and the Iraqi citizens were out in the streets. And their rallying cry, of course, "Mr. Bush, tear down this wall!"

TITLE: No Eyes on CBS
And finally... I have some media news. It is rumored that Katie Couric, who anchors the lowly-rated CBS Evening News may be leaving the broadcast. And my question is, "If she leaves, how will anyone know?"

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody.

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Ointment Transcript 4/23/07

"The Ointment" Episode #283: "White Supreme-ists"

It's Monday, April 23, 2007 and you are watching "The Ointment." I'm Steve Tatham and now that Earth Day is over for another year, just watch how madly I consume fossil fuels. And today is film icon Shirley Temple's birthday. I would like to wish her a happy one. Even though she's 79 years old, I bet she still dances better than Paulina Porizkova.

TITLE: White Supreme-ists
Our top story is about the Supreme Court, who refused last week to take a case involving an employee of IBM who complained about racist comments being made in the workplace. The Supreme Court decided that a single racist comment, no matter how heinous, didn't involve a hostile work environment. So, I advise everyone who's a racist: speak up. You've got a reprieve from the Supreme Court. You know all those films they make you sit through when you're an employee of a big corporation about not making sexist comments or racist comments? Ignore them because, if you complain about those kind of comments in the workplace, you can get canned. So, what I think we chould all do is file a class action lawsuit for making us sit through those films. But, then again, we could also file a class action lawsuit for having to listen to offensive comments like Supreme Court rulings which deny our civil rights.

TITLE: Wonder Which One Hates Us More?
And I have some election results. This just in from the nation of France. There's going to be a run-off election in that country's election for the Presidency between the top two vote-getters. They were a liberal woman, Segolene Royal, and a conservative man, Nicholas Sarkozy. I think there's a great lesson in this for the United States of America. The run-off is going to be in two weeks. Here in the Unites States, we're probably going to have our top two candidates nine months prior to the general election. Two weeks! Can you imagine? In France, they have movies longer than two weeks. They have meals longer than two weeks. But you know what they don't have? They don't have to flood the airwaves with all those TV commercials. They have to spend those two weeks, though, doing what we don't do, which is educating the voters on the issues.

TITLE: Invasive Surgery
Here's a strange but true medical story. A woman had her gall bladder removed and extracted through her vagina because surgeons are looking for new ways to speed up the recovery to get you out the door faster so the insurance company doesn't have to pay for those long recuperations that involve the healing of the stomach muscles. It's a great technique for her. Although, now when she eats spicy foods she no longer has trouble with her gall bladder, and as a bonus, she has an orgasm.

TITLE: Worse Than "The Marrying Man"
In entertainment news, Alec Baldwin and Kim Basinger are heating up their war of words. They are now using their daughter as a weapon. If you haven't heard, this has been all over the internet. There is a tape recording of Baldwin calling his eleven year-old daughter a "pig", which Basinger released to the press, in a just sensationally gracious move, putting the child's wishes first. I don't know how they could have a kid who is eleven... or, according to Baldwin, "eleven or twelve." He wasn't quite sure. I don't know how they could have a kid who's a pig because, well, look at her role models.

TITLE: Going Going GONE-zales
And this news on Alberto Gonzales. You know what? I'm tired of news about Alberto Gonzales. Get out already! Is he still here? Is he here? C'mon, help him pack and escort him to the door. Why drag this out? It's just... Is he really still here? C'mon, Alberto, it's... You're past your welcome. You're like a houseguest who won't leave. You've past stinking. You're onto decaying. You're like Michael Richards in his eighth minute of a racist rant on stage. Get off already!

TITLE: Her Crowning Achievement
And finally... I have this update on Miss America from 1944, Venus Ramey, who had retired to a farm down South. When some thieves were on her property, the pistol-packing granny... that's right, she was packing heat; she took out her gun and chased the thieves away. Way to go, Miss America, striking a blow for world peace.

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody.

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Ointment Transcript 4/20/07

"The Ointment" Episode #283: "Send Me Your Jokes"

It's Friday, April 20, 2007 and you are watching "The Ointment." It's Earth Day this Sunday, April 22, despite what you may hear in the rest of the world because the rest of the planet celebrates Earth Day at the beginning of Spring, on March 21st. But here in the US of A, we celebrate it this coming Sunday, so enjoy. I'm Steve Tatham and I act globally but I blog locally.

TITLE: Week in Review
Fridays here on the show we take a look back at some of the top stories from this past week, so let's get right to it.

TITLE: Speechless
Our top story: Well, our top story has been cancelled because frankly, there's nothing funny about it.

TITLE: What Did Dennis Say?
Although I will say this my heart goes out to the victims, certainly, and the families of the victims. But, you know who else I feel sorry for in all this? Is Congressman Dennis Kucinich, who's running for President of the United States. Because I read press reports quoting all of the other Presidential candidates on the Virginia Tech tragedy but not Dennis Kucinich. And you have to ask yourself, "Perhaps America just isn't crying out to be comforted by the warm elfin embrace of Dennis Kucinich."

TITLE: Quiet as Folk
Moving on... tomorrow is the "Day of Silence" when gays, lesbians and their supporters all across the country take a vow of silence for one day to signify something or rather about the silence that they have to endure all year long. So, wear whatever you want tomorrow, No one's gonna say a word about it.

TITLE: Rigged!
The Pulitzer Prizes were announced in several categories in several categories yesterday. Taking the top prize for literature was Cormack McCarthy's "The Road," the Oprah Book Club selection. Sadly, overlooked, however was the great tome, Nicole Richie's "The Truth about Diamonds."

As promised, I said I wanted to get more of you guys involved in the show, so I'm gonna deliver on that promise right now. So what better day than Earth Day to being recycling someone else's material. So these next three stories are from Jeremy Greenberg of Kirkland, Washington. He's a comedian and comedy writer. So let's hear what he has to say.

TITLE: Equally Dead (Jeremy's Joke #1)
A female Iraqi suicide bomber blew herself up in a marketplace the other day. See that? We've only been in Iraq a few short years and already women are getting the same opportunities as men.

TITLE: Land of the Rising Age (Jeremy's Joke #2)
And this demographic news: The life expectancy in the nation of Japan, already one of the highest in the world, has risen to 85 years old. Leave it to the makers of Nintendo to give themselves extra lives.

TITLE: Maxxing Your Credit (Jeremey's Joke #3)
Here's a story to frighten consumers. Over 45.7 million credit card numbers were stolen from customers of TJ Maxx, which is really startling because I didn't realize people who shopped at TJ Maxx had credit.

TITLE: fakenews@theointment.com

And those three stories were from Jeremy Greenberg of Kirkland, Washington. If you'd like to send in some stories. Send them to fakenews@theointment.com.

TITLE: News Quiz
And finally... we wrap things up each week with our news quiz question. By the way, somebody asked me "How come you never give the answers to the News Quiz Question?" Let me give you a hint: the answer is always "A". Today's question is about a new poll which suggests support for the war in Iraq has reached an all-time low. The question is:

The number of people who thinks are going well in Iraq is:
A) Dwindling each month.
B) Even fewer than the number of people who watch NBC.
or
C) Exactly equal to the number of people on the White House payroll.

That's "The Ointment" for another week. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. Have a great weekend, everybody.

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Ointment Transcript 4/19/07

"The Ointment" Episode #282: "The Ointment Weekend Preview for 4/19/07"

It's Thursday, April 19, 2007. So that means it's time for this little experiment that I like to call "The Ointment's Weekend Preview" where I take a look at some of the upcoming entertainment offerings for this weekend. I'm Steve Tatham and today is "High Five Day" so I give you, virtually, one of these. So, let's take a look at what's coming up this weekend. First, let's start in movies.

TITLE: Movies
I've seen a lot of movies. I've seen a lot of European movies. I've seen a lot of French movies. I've seen a lot of English movies. I've seen a lot of English comedies and French comedies. And there's a big difference between contemporary English comedies and French comedies.

TITLE: Disclaimer: Not Including "Mr. Bean"

The English comedies, just might, if you're lucky, be funny. That's why my money's not on the new Francis Veber movie from France, called "The Valet" - that's the American title. He has made a lot of comedies in the past which were barely passable in French and even worse in English; such as "The Man with One Red Shoe", "Three Fugitives", "The Toy", "La Cage aux Folles," which I know a lot of people did like. So, I'm not gonna watch "The Valet." I'm gonna, instead, turn my attention to "Hot Fuzz", the British comedy which is supposed to be pretty hilarious. It's a police comedy which claims, according to at least one review, to have as many laughs as "The Naked Gun."

(VIDEO CLIP from "Hot Fuzz")

So, I'm looking forward to "Hot Fuzz." So check that out this weekend.

TITLE: DVD
New on DVD this week is the movie "The Last King of Scotland" starring Forest Whitaker, the amazing actor who is always fascinating to watch, despite that crazy eye. But, you get past it pretty quick when you watch Whitaker in action. He earned an Oscar for "The Last King of Scotland," beating out poor Peter O'Toole. Can you imagine? How mean can you be? Well, he plays Idi Amin and you'll see how mean he can be. He manages to make the life of a ruthless killer and dictator very charming and interesting. It's about a doctor who comes over from Scotland and gets involved in the life of the African dictator. Now, let's take a look at a little piece of "The Last King of Scotland."

(VIDEO CLIP from "The Last King of Scotland.")

Doesn't that look good? So, check out "The Last King of Scotland." New on DVD.

And also out on this week on DVD is the movie "Bobby", directed by Emelio Estevez. It's about the life, times and death of Bobby Kennedy. It's being released by the Weinstein Company, who have an arrangement with Blockbuster Video. Certain special features are available only if you get this copy at Blockbuster. It's a very bad deal for consumers because it means you don't get to see those special features unless you go to Blockbuster. The good news for consumers is, however, that this will rarely be a problem because there is very little in the new Weinstein catalog worth watching. "Hoodwinked" anybody? That's this week on DVD.

TITLE: Web

My website pick of the week is called xxxchrurch.com. It's a pornography site for Christians. What? A pornography site for Christians? Well, it's for Christians who want to get over their obsession with pornography. It evangelizes to these people and helps them to rid themself of that awful life of internet pornography. They even have a church -- live, physical church that you can go to. They have meetings there called "Porn and Pancakes." Yummy. Sounds good, doesn't it? Well, if you want to get over your obsession with pornography go to xxxchurch.com. Or go there as I did for a little light-hearted entertainment.

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody.

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Ointment Transcript 4/18/07

"The Ointment" Episode #281: "Riley Weston"

STEVE: It's Wednesday, April 18, 2007 and you are watching "The Ointment." Today is the anniversary of the great earthquake in San Francisco in 1906. I'm Steve Tatham and I've got my earthquake kit all packed.

TITLE: Think Globally Act Cosmetically
STEVE: Our top story: The American Rivers group has named the most-endangered rivers in America. Coming in at number one is the Santa Fe River. A close second is Joan Rivers.

TITLE: Special Guest
STEVE: Wednesdays here on the show we invite a special guest into the studio. Today we're lucky enough to have on Riley Weston. She is an actress and also a writer. You might remember about seven years ago all the publicity surrounding her work on the TV series "Felicity." She was a 19 year-old wunderkind. Then it turned out she really wasn't. Remind us, Riley, what was the big deal?

RILEY: Well, you know, it's a funny circumstance when you think about all that is going on right now in Hollywood. People who have, you know, lost lingerie, underpants, those things, undergarments. Um, and people who have suddenly spewed vile things from their mouth for absolutely no reason, whatsoever. And it, it, it's not really funny in the sense that what I went through, which is, you know, I think that it's been a really hard and long eight years just since I lied about my age. When you think about the thing that we're all doing which is entertaining people. And when you kinda break it all down and you think about it being the entertainment business, it really shouldn't have mattered. And, had I known I could've just said I needed to go to rehab for a few weeks and been all better and I wouldn't have gone through, I think, a lot of the, um, the junk that I have gone through. You know, we all go through things for a reason and we just kinda find them out as we go along.

STEVE: Riley, you were on "Felicity" as a writer and also as an actor, right? And you got a lot of attention cause you were this nineteen year-old wonder.

RILEY: Exactly. And I didn't do, I think, really any press for the first six months knowing that I knew I was lying about my age. I wasn't a complete moron going through that. I also knew that, as an actor first, I didn't want that to go away once the writing stopped. And I was an accidental writer. I mean, I literally started writing and then one day someone found a script and it became like this unbelievable snowball effect where I got a lot of noteriety from the writing. Knowing full-well I wasn't going to give up the acting and to really not trust, basically, anybody in Hollywood, I lied about my age, thinking the writing would go nowhere, so who cared, right? Who would care what age I am as a writer?

STEVE: At the time you were passing yourself off as nineteen you were really a lot older than that, right?

RILEY: I was thirty-two. Woopsie-dasisy. You know, look, I, I mean the fact is that if, I think anybody should be more empowered to do something like that if you look a certain age. This was me as an actress just wanting to get in the door. It wasn't about me, the writer, getting a job. Or, even as an actor getting a job. It was me, as an actress, just getting the audition. And that meant if I to say I had blue eyes, not brown, then that's exactly what I would have said. So...

STEVE: So, now you have a new project. A novel, right?

RILEY: I have a new project that I'm so excited about. It's called "Before I Go." It's actually a book and a script. And the script was written before the book which is kind of backwards for Hollywood standards which is how I've always survived... thankfully. And, um, I went on a ten-week book tour all through the Fall and Winter of 2006 which was truly incredible. I'm still doing bits and pieces here and there throughout different states and going to different schools and speaking and...

STEVE: Can you tell us a little bit about it?

RILEY: The synopsis is basically... if you can compare it to two different, really strong projects, it'd be like "Terms of Endearment" meets "The Notebook" where it deals with a seventeen year-old ice skater on her way to the Olympics. And her mom is her coach. And they have that just non-stop love/hate relationship. And, um, she has one true best friend named Jack, who goes through life's entire journey with her.

STEVE: The character is seventeen?

RILEY: She's seventeen.

STEVE: And going to be played by?

RILEY: Me.

STEVE: Hopefully you.

RILEY: Yes, me. That's the way I intended it to be. It's uh... I've gotten a few offers so far. I've said no to every one of them because it would not have come out the way it did if I didn't write it for myself. So, we'll see what happens.

STEVE: Well, good luck.

RILEY: Thank you so much. It was great meeting you.

STEVE: Thanks a lot for coming in today, Riley. Riley Weston, ladies and gentlemen. That's Riley Weston. You can find her new book on Amazon.com.

TITLE: Makin' It - Zen Style
STEVE: And finally... in entertainment news. Richard Gere caused quite a stir in India when in' he appeared on stage with Indian star Shilpa Shetty and he gave her a big smooch. She said she didn't mind the kiss so much. What really bothered her was the gerbil.

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody.

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Ointment Transcript 4/17/07

"The Ointment" Episode #280: "Speechless"

It's Tuesday, April 17, 2007 and you are watching "The Ointment." I'm Steve Tatham and I'm standing up right now.

TITLE: Speechless
Our top story: Well, our top story has been cancelled because frankly, there's nothing funny about it. However... um...

TITLE: What Did Dennis Say?
Although I will say this my heart goes out to the victims, certainly, and the families of the victims. But, you know who else I feel sorry for in all this? Is Congressman Dennis Kucinich, who's running for President of the United States. Because I read press reports quoting all of the other Presidential candidates on the Virginia Tech tragedy but not Dennis Kucinich. And you have to ask yourself, "Perhaps America just isn't crying out to be comforted by the warm elfin embrace of Dennis Kucinich."

TITLE: Quiet as Folk
Moving on... tomorrow is the "Day of Silence" when gays, lesbians and their supporters all across the country take a vow of silence for one day to signify something or rather about the silence that they have to endure all year long. So, wear whatever you want tomorrow, No one's gonna say a word about it.

TITLE: Wolf Guarding the Bank
Paul Wofowitz, one of the Neocons who was the chief architect of the war in Iraq, is in a lot o' hot water now. Now he's running the World Bank and he apparently did some favors for his girlfriend, and it was not quite on the up and up. He loves her very much but he didn't do her any favors - just like his other mistress, Iraq.

TITLE: Space Race
And this news from outer space: an astronaut is keeping pace with athletes in Boston and running along with them from outer space in the Boston Marathon. And this astronaut has a distinct advantage because there are no potty breaks when you wear a diaper.

TITLE: Rigged!
The Pulitzer Prizes were announced in several categories in several categories yesterday. Taking the top prize for literature was Cormack McCarthy's "The Road," the Oprah Book Club selection. sadly, overlooked, however was the great tome, Nicole Richie's "The Truth about Diamonds."

TITLE: What? No Pulitzers for Pravda?
This news item from Pravda. The Russian newspaper is claiming that Don Imus, the radio host, was fired, not because of racial comments that he made, but because U.S. "war leaders" secretly plotted his ouster. Why would they do that? Well, because Imus possesses information implicating U.S. "war leaders" in the planning and execution of the 9/11 tragedies. Yes, you hadn't heard? Me thinks maybe Pravda has had a bit too much wodka.

TITLE: Congrats, China!
And finally... The Forbes list of the 500 biggest corporations is out and number one on the list is Wal-Mart. However, uh, next year it'll be discounted to the fourth.

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody.

(WATCH this episode)

Ointment Transcript 4/16/07

"The Ointment" Episode #279: "Do Your Taxes"

It's Monday, April 16, 2007. It's Patriot's Day. I'm Steve Tatham and I'm reporting for duty and you are watching "The Ointment".

TITLE: Losers
Our top story: Get your taxes in. You have 'til midnight tonight to file your US income taxes. And you have an extra day this year, so you have no excuse. The good news: if you don't file, the US government may lose your tax bill. Because, apparently, they've lost 5 million emails. This has come to light because of the investigation into the firing of US attorneys.

TITLE: Going Going GONE-zales
Alberto Gonzales says in the case he has nothing to hide. Because he has people do that for him.

TITLE: Hard On the Case
Former US Senator Bob Dole, who's on the commission that's looking into charges that U.S. soldiers are not being treated well when they return from war, said "This is not gonna be a witch hunt. In fact," he said "we're not even really gonna look that hard."

TITLE: Flying Vice
Dateline: Chicago. U.S. Vice-President Dick Cheney is just fine after an incident in which his airplane, upon landing at Chicago's O'Hare International Airport, collided with a bird. Nobody was injured. Although, just to be on the safe side, the Vice President shot the bird.

TITLE: Acting Presidential
Former U.S. Senator Fred Thompson, who in a recent L.A. Times poll, came in second for the race for the Republican nomination for the U.S. Presidency, despite not being a declared candidate, said he may enter the race when his acting duties are completed on "Law & Order" in June. He'll enter the race if his demands are met. He wants an extra-long trailer. He wants a massage daily. He wants the camera only to shoot him from his good side and he wants only green M&M's in the green room.

TITLE: Blood Money
In entertainment news... I guess this is entertaining, O.J. Simpson has squelched the deal that would have allowed Ron Goldman's father, Fred Goldman, to receive millions of dollars from profits in the sale of the hypothetical book "If I Did It," in which O.J. Simpson chronicles how he "hypothetically" might have murdered his ex-wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her friend, Ron Goldman, Fred's son. You know, he said he wanted profits not to go to the Goldmans or the Browns but to his children. He wanted to set an example for his children. The lesson here is, he said, if, uh, your daddy stabs your mommy to death, he should at least be allowed to profit from that.

TITLE: Success Has Many Fathers, Failure Files a Lawsuit
And finally... Howard K. Stern who was discovered recently not to be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby, according to DNA tests, has filed a slander lawsuit against Anna Nicole Smith's mother's attorney. According to Stern, he said, the public airwaves should never be used to promote your personal agenda." Then, he added, "Unless that personal agenda is mine."

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody.

(WATCH this episode)

Ointment Transcript 4/13/07

"The Ointment" Episode #278: "Week in Review 4/13/07"

It's Friday the Thirteenth. It's Friday, April 13, 2007. I'm Steve Tatham and I want to be your bad luck charm. Let's see... it's Friday the Thirteenth, your taxes are due and this Sunday is Holocaust Remembrance Day. It's really the bad karma trifecta. Fridays here on the show we take a look back at some of our top stories from this past week, so let's get right to it.

TITLE: Going Going GONE-zales
Our top story: Attorney General Alberto Gonzales has received his subpoena. There is going to be a hearing on that case involving the firing of U.S. attorneys. This guy's in a lot of trouble. It's really unfortunate for him that he doesn't know a single decent attorney.

TITLE: No Cruise Control
I have some news about that Greek Cruise that went down the other day. The Captain of the ship has an explanation for what happened. He said it was due to strong currents. Because, you know, if there's one thing the captain of a ship is never prepared for, it's moving water.

This is Mary Manofsky. You may remember her from many, from many very popular episodes of "The Ointment." She's, um, going to bed now. So you won't be seeing her on tonight's show. I'm sorry to say.

TITLE: Walking with a McCain
In political news... John McCain who's running for president of the United States has unfortunately tied his future to the war in Iraq. He said recently, after going to Iraq, that he felt Baghdad was becoming safe. And he said this after going through Baghdad wearing a bullet-proof vest, being escorted by 100 troops and being watched over by two military helicopters. That's a lot of people. In fact, if he could only get that many people to vote for him he'd be doing better.

A new poll out from the Los Angeles Times reveals that former Republican frontrunner for the nomination for the presidency of the United States, Senator John McCain, is now in third place. Many voters, when asked by pollsters about McCain, said "Is he still alive?"

TITLE: Watch What You Wish For
Democracy and free speech is busting out all over in Iraq. Just take a look at this, would you? Thousands of Iraqi citizens flooding the streets in protest. What a beautiful sight. There's only one catch: they're protesting the presence of US troops in Iraq. It wasn't... it wasn't supposed to work out like that, was it?

TITLE: Don't Bask, Don't Tell
Meanwhile, freedoms in the West are evaporating. The UK government is telling those recently-released hostages (the troops that were held there in Iran) that they can not tell their stories for money in the media. Isn't it great that as we fight for freedom that we're learning so much about how to suppress it?

TITLE: Hunting for Votes
Mitt Romney, the Republican who's running for president of the United States, has been raising a lot of cash but he's also raising a lot of questions about his honesty. He's been telling audiences that he's a life-long hunter. Well, guess what? He's been hunting exactly two times in his life. Once when he was fifteen and once last year. As it turns out, me, Steve, I, myself: a life-long square dancer.

TITLE: Coming into Money
STEVE: The results are in. And the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby is... Larry Birkhead. Poor Howard K. Stern. He had to sleep with Anna Nicole Smith for nothing.

TITLE: Imus Hates Black People
After offensive comments made about the Rutgers' women's basketball team, conservative radio host Don Imus has been fired. His show has been cancelled by CBS. In an unusual move, the White House has said that that President Bush has declared war on the CBS radio network.

TITLE: News Quiz
And finally.... we wrap up each week with our news quiz question. Today's question is about Don Imus, the radio host who made offensive comments about the Rutgers' women's basketball team. The question is "What is the phrase Imus used on the air that got him fired?"

Was it:
A) Nappy-headed hos
B) Ho Chi Min
or
C) Horton Hears a Who

That's "The Ointment" for another week. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. Have a great weekend, everybody.

(WATCH this episode)

Ointment Transcript 4/12/07

"The Ointment" Episode #277: "The Ointment Weekend Preview for 4/12/07"

It's Thursday, April 12, 2007 and you are watching "The Ointment." I'm Steve Tatham and I'm putting the show back in "show business." Hey, relax. You're still watching "The Ointment." Don't get scared. It's still me. This is "The Ointment," but we're doing things a little differently now on Thursdays. It's called "The Ointment Weekend Preview." Huh? What's that? Well, I'm gonna take a look at the world of show business. I'm gonna tell you what's comin' up this weekend -- hopefully, help you have some good times. You know, I know there are politicians out there making jackasses of themselves; but, they'll be there tomorrow and I'll be back to talk about them. But, for now, let's have a little fun.

TITLE: Movies
First up, let's take a look at the world of movies and see what's coming out this weekend. As you might imagine, I have very highbrow cinematic tastes so the film I'm most looking forward to this weekend is a movie called "Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters." Now, if you're fans of "Adult Swim" then you already know what I'm talking about. And if you don't, you might remember this little terrorist threat. They put a marketing campaign out there with blinking lights featuring the characters in about a dozen cities across the country but the city of Boston freaked out. Called out the bomb squad. They thought it was a terrorist attack. Blinking lights -- this big. Every spring is terrorist season in Hollywood marketing. So now, let's take a look at a clip of "Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters," which, as you may have guessed, has nothing to do with water, teens, hunger or, for that matter, colons.

(VIDEO CLIP from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters")

I think you can now see why I am so looking forward to it. Because I hate to be sitting in a movie theater burdened with such things as character... or story. Because, after all, they just interfere with my Milk Dud consumption. Once again, that's "Aqua Teen Hunger Force Colon Movie Film for Theaters." Check it out this weekend.

TITLE: DVD
New on DVD this week is a movie called "The Good Shepherd" starring Matt Damon and Angelina Jolie. The film is directed by actor Robert DiNiro and it tells the story of the early days of the C.I.A. It tells that story in seemingly real time. Yes, this is a long movie. It's two hours and forty-eight minutes. Here's the DVD and it says right on the back "sixteen minutes of deleted scenes." As if you wanted even more. What I wanted to see was sixteen scenes deleted from the movie. This is actually the longest period of time in which Angelina Jolie goes without adopting a child. What I'm saying is, it's a long movie. In fact, you half-expect to see a firefighter come out with a bootload o' cash and give it to a sobbing Jerry Lewis. That's long. Why is it so long? Well, it's an espionage movie. It has a lot of twists and turns and character development. It's sort of a slow, seething movie. It's trying desperately to be the Protestant "Godfather." So now let's take a look.

(VIDEO CLIP from "The Good Shepherd.")

The movie might have been a little better if it had been directed by Coppola, but DiNiro does a fine yeoman's job. So, pencil in an afternoon and check out "The Good Shepherd." Also out on DVD this week is the classic movie "Bedazzled" -- the comedy with Dudley Moore. I'm not talking about the remake. I'm talking about the one from the sixties. If you can find it, it's worth a look as well.

TITLE: Music
In music this week, I want you to check out UK folk singer Kate Walsh, who has shot up to number one, believe it or not, on the iTunes music chart, after making her own homemade album in her friend's house.

(MUSIC PLAYS: Kate Walsh)

I always admire somebody who makes their own art in their own living room and then puts it online. I don't know why but I'm just drawn to that. Maybe if I were a hot chick with talent, things would turn out differently for me. Actually, she didn't make it in her own house. She made it at her friend, Tim's, house, so the album is called "Tim's House." Check it out.

TITLE: Web

And finally, for your weekend surfing pleasure, my website pick of the week is justin.tv about a guy who broadcasts video from his apartment and puts it out there on the web. Why am I drawn to such things? Let me tell you, Justin makes the rest of us look like amateurs -- people who put out three minutes of video a day or even an hour. Because Justin is broadcasting 24/7. He's broadcasting twenty four hours of video each and every day from a camera strapped to his head. He's gonna broadcast his entire life from today until the day her dies -- or, so is the claim. So now you can enjoy the tedium that is the life of a twenty four year old guy who lives in San Francisco and lives a completely unremarkable life. That's right. You can go to the bathroom with Justin. You can watch Justin on a miserable date. You can look forward to Justin having sex. What I look forward to is Justin at the doctor's office cause I want to see him get the release out of his physician. Or Justin on a job interview. That should be interesting. Well, good luck and enjoy your weekend.

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's your weekend preview. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody.

(WATCH this episode)

Ointment Transcript 4/11/07

"The Ointment" Episode #276: "Guest: Joleen Lutz"

STEVE: It's Wednesday, April 11, 2007 and you are watching "The Ointment." I'm Steve Tatham and I want you to be my little deduction. Only four more days to get your taxes done. Today is the anniversary of the cease-fire in the Persian Gulf War in 1991. And since then in the region, sixteen years of peace and prosperity.

TITLE: GONE-zales
STEVE: Our top story: The subpoena has gone out to Attorney General Alberto Gonzales for his involvement in the firing of US attorneys. This guy's in a lot of trouble. He's gonna need some help. Too bad he doesn't know any decent lawyers.

TITLE: Special Guest
STEVE: Wednesdays here on the show we invite a special guest in the studio. Today we have Joleen Lutz, an animal naturalist. She's the Dr. Ruth of animal behavior cause she knows everything there is to know about animal sex. She's been seen on the "Tonight Show with Jay Leno", on M-TV, Animal Planet and she speaks at "Woo in the Zoo" at the Los Angeles Zoo here in town. And today she's gonna talk dirty to us.

JOLEEN: I, I thought I'd talk to you a little bit about some sexy beasts. And if you're under the impression that sex is, you know, just pretty much sex and most species do it the same way, boy, are you gonna be surprised. Now, this critter on my shoulder, here, is the common opossum.

STEVE: Opossum?

JOLEEN: And yeah, you do want to put that "O" when you pronounce the name. She's a marsupial, just like a kangaroo from Australia. But you can find her right here in Southern California in your own backyard. Now, the males will have what's called a "bifurcated" penis.

STEVE:Is there a veterinarian for that?

JOLEEN: OK, big word. Just means "forked." Looks something like this at the end. (HOLDS HER FINGERS IN A PEACE SIGN) And the reason why it's forked, is it needs to plug into the female. See, she has a double vagina and a double uterus. Who knew? Right? OK, speaking of double, that pet iguana that you might have at home or any lizard or snake, well, they have double copulatory organs. That's right, two penises - not one. Double your pleasure. Double your fun with two penises, not one.

STEVE: Are there other animals out there doubling their pleasure?

JOLEEN: The common garden snail - something you'll also find in your backyard - something that this critter would like to eat as a tasty treat - well, that particular snail is a hermaphrodite. That's right, it's two, two, two sexes in one. Now, the idea is not for the snail to self-fertilize; but, the idea is to double the snail's chances when meeting another snail. You now, getting lucky. So, there are some animals that change genders. You know, there mom at one time and pop at another. Different species of snails do this - a few fish, some lizards. But then there's some animals where there's only one sex.

STEVE: Just like West Hollywood.

JOLEEN: Uh... whip tail lizards, southwest United States: only females. Sisters, doin' it for themselves. Do you remember the movie "Jurassic Park"?

STEVE: That's not exactly the movie I was thinking of.

JOLEEN: Only females, right? But they started to reproduce. So they're doing something called carthinogenesis. And, you know, if that's Greek to you, it's OK. It's Greek to all of us. And it's Greek for virgin birth. See, virgin birth really does exist in science. Basically, what they're doing, is they're cloning. Now cloning is very good to increase the number of a species very rapidly. But, the down side is, well, everybody is pretty much like everybody else. So you have the same resistance to diseases and infection. So that going extinct is a very strong possibility. So, we see that sex evolved as a way to shuffle the genetic card. Sex is nature's way of keeping up with change. Cause, you know, the only thing constant in life is change.

STEVE: That is true. As is the fact that we're just about out of time, but Joleen thanks a lot for coming in today. Do you mind, before you go, if I come over there and pet Gladys?

JOLEEN: Yes. Definitely. As long as you don't mind a wet nose.

STEVE: Now, will she be frightened if I... ?

JOLEEN: She'll open her mouth if she's frightened and so she... Want me to put her on your shoulder?

STEVE: Well...

JOLEEN: Oh, live dangerously, right? On the edge. She lives in a tree so she's gonna hold on very tightly...

STEVE: OK

JOLEEN: ...with her nails.

STEVE: All right.

JOLEEN: So it's good you have a nice, thick coat on there. There you go. You can see all those whiskers on her face.

STEVE: This is fun.

JOLEEN: Yeah, that's a good sign. Oops. There you go.

STEVE: I think that's enough of the fun.

JOLEEN: OK

STEVE: Thanks, Gladys.

JOLEEN: Wanna see her pouch?

STEVE: Of course I want to see her pouch.

JOLEEN: You can see it in here. See?

STEVE: Oh, OK. That's a pouch. She's smiling. She likes me looking at her pouch. All right. Well, thank you.

JOLEEN: Thank you.

STEVE: Thank you, Joleen. Thank you Gladys.

TITLE: Coming into Money
STEVE: And finally, speaking of animal sex, the results are in. And the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby is... Larry Birkhead. Poor Howard K. Stern. He had to sleep with Anna Nicole Smith for nothing.

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody.

JOLEEN: She smells to me like Cheetohs. Like really rank Cheetohs.

(WATCH this episode)

Ointment Transcript 4/10/07

"The Ointment" Episode #275: "Watch What You Wish For"

It's Tuesday, April 10, 2007 and you are watching "The Ointment." Today is the anniversary of the founding of the ASPCA, the association for the prevention of cruelty to animals. I'm Steve Tatham and I'm cruelty-free.

TITLE: Watch What You Wish For
Our top story: Democracy and free speech is busting out all over in Iraq. Just take a look at this, would you? Thousands of Iraqi citizens flooding the streets in protest. What a beautiful sight. There's only one catch: they're protesting the presence of US troops in Iraq. It wasn't... it wasn't supposed to work out like that, was it?

TITLE: Don't Bask, Don't Tell
Meanwhile, freedoms in the West are evaporating. The UK government is telling those recently-released hostages (the troops that were held there in Iran) that they can not tell their stories for money in the media. Isn't it great that as we fight for freedom that we're learning so much about how to suppress it?

TITLE: Hunting for Votes
Turning to political news, Mitt Romney, the Republican who's running for president of the United States, has been raising a lot of cash but he's also raising a lot of questions about his honesty. He's been telling audiences that he's a life-long hunter. Well, guess what? He's been hunting exactly two times in his life. Once when he was fifteen and once last year. As it turns out, me, Steve, I, myself: a life-long square dancer.

TITLE: Nancy Boys
In an excruciatingly embarrassing high point of amateurism, some Republican members of the US House of Representatives have sent a letter to the Speaker of the House. Ms. Pelosi has been in Syria and then they did some shopping, which they object to. She took two weeks off while the House was in recess. Now they're begging her to get back to work. "Please, Nancy, we need to fund. We need to fund the world-wide war on terror because we're here to save the planet and you just want to shop and cause trouble." Well, the funding doesn't really run out 'til sometime in the summer. But that doesn't stop the theatrics, you know. They only care about one thing: saving the planet, you know. I say, next, why don't you guys run for Miss America and stop world hunger?

TITLE: Chicks with Guns
I saw an interesting item in the newspaper today. A nine-months-pregnant store clerk shot a female robber. I didn't know if I was looking at a news item or an ad for a new Tarantino film.

TITLE: When Does Campaign 2012 Start?
And finally in political news: February 5, 2008 is becoming a very popular day on which to hold a primary election as all of the states rush to move their elections up earlier in the campaign season; because, you know what, states need just that much more attention. California's doing it. About half the states now are holding their elections on that day. We have, in effect, what is a national primary likely to decide the nominees of both political parties. So Super Tuesday, as it used to be called, is being re-christened once again. I mentioned this before, well, now it has a new name. It's now being called "Super Duper Double Delicious Extra Thank God it's Tuesday with Secret Sauce."

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody.

(WATCH this episode)

Ointment Transcript 4/9/07

"The Ointment" Episode #274: "Endangered Reality"

It's Monday, April 9, 2007. It's Appomattox Day -- the anniversary of the day that the South surrendered to the North, ending the Civil War. I'm Steve Tatham and I surrender.

TITLE: No Cruise Control
Our top story: I have some news about that Greek Cruise that went down the other day. The Captain of the ship has an explanation for what happened. He said it was due to strong currents. Because, you know, if there's one thing the captain of a ship is never prepared for, it's moving water.

TITLE: I Mus Get Publicity
Don Imus, the popular radio host, who's also broadcast on MSNBC, has been asked to apologize by civil rights leaders and sports writers and others across the country for calling the women's basketball team at Rutgers a group of "nappy-headed hos." Imus' bosses said they think this is a very important moral issue and, they may ask him to resign but first they have to check his ratings.

This is Mary Manofsky. You may remember her from many, from many very popular episodes of "The Ointment." She's, uh, going to bed now. So you won't be seeing her on tonight's show. Sorry to say.

TITLE: Walking with a McCain
In political news... John McCain who's running for president of the United States has unfortunately tied his future to the war in Iraq. He said recently, after going to Iraq, that he felt Baghdad was becoming safe. And he said this after going through Baghdad wearing a bullet-proof vest, being escorted by 100 troops and being watched over by two military helicopters. That's a lot of people. In fact, if he could only get that many people to vote for him he'd be doing better.

TITLE: Se Habla Jerk
Newt Gingrich, who may be running for president of the United States himself very shortly, made an announcement. He's been forced to apologize for referring to Spanish as a "ghetto language." He made this announcement via Youtube. Of course, the video-sharing service is used by under-funded political campaigns when they want to make an announcement about their ghetto campaigns.

TITLE: Time for the Hail Mary
And one of the few politicians not running for president, of course, is the current president of the United States, George Bush. He spoke yesterday on Easter Sunday -- made a plea for the troops and mostly a plea for his last two years in office, hoping something will go right.

TITLE: Endangered Reality
The manatee, of course, is that Florida endangered sea-creature, who has been dying off in record numbers, usually at the hands of a boat propeller -- if, in fact, a boat propeller has hands. Well, you know how the Fish and Game Service is going to react to this? They are thinking of taking the manatee off the Endangered Species List and reclassifying him as the less-endangered "Threatened". In an unrelated story, the Republican administration of George Bush has just been moved from the "Threatened" to the "Endangered" list.

TITLE: King of Props
And finally... a collection of memorabilia owned by Michael Jackson is gonna be up on the auction block in Las Vegas very shortly. So get your bids ready: some articles of clothing - yuck - some of his memorabilia, and his entire collection of "Tiger Beat".

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody.

(WATCH this episode)

Ointment Transcript 4/6/07

"The Ointment" Episode #273: "Week in Review: 4/6/07"

It's Friday, April 6, 2007 and you are watching "The Ointment." I'm Steve Tatham and I put the hippity in "hippity-hoppity." Fridays here on the show we take a look back at some of our favorite stories from the past week, so let's get right to it.

TITLE: Green Supremes
Our top story: the United States Supreme Court ruled that the Environmental Protection Agency can actually regulate carbon emissions from automobiles. This is a blow to the Bush administration. Imagine their surprise when they learned that the Environmental Protection Agency is actually allowed to protect the environment.

TITLE: Absentee Voters
In other political news, Barack Obama, the United States Senator who's running for President of the United States, said that he does not believe the Democratic-lead US Senate will vote to ending funding for the war in Iraq because, despite strongly held beliefs, this would involve - how do you say? Oh yeah, following through on a conviction.

TITLE: Spent
Turning to business news, New Century, the big mortgage company in Irvine, California, has gone Chapter 11 - a sign of the slumping housing industry. This is a mortgage company that used to give a lot of loans to people with very poor credit. But the company has a plan for turning itself around. Now that it has bad credit, it's gonna loan itself a lot of money.

TITLE: Tommy Can They Hear You?
In other campaign news, Republican Tommy Thompson declared that he is a candidate for President of the United States. Well, it's not really so much news as it is a sad cry for attention.

TITLE: What Else is On?
Iranian television broadcast new footage of UK soldiers being held hostage in Iran. The Fox television network immediately optioned the footage for a new television reality series called "Who Wants to Start a War?"

TITLE: Exit Strategy
The country of Iran has released all 15 UK troops that it was holding hostage. President Bush said "Well, that's OK. We'll find another reason to go to war with them."

TITLE: Who's the Boss?
Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is in Syria, a nation that the U.S. considers a terrorist state. President Bush, from Washington D.C., said "I don't like her going to Syria. I don't approve. But at least it's better than her being here."

TITLE: Has He Found What He's Looking For Yet?
Rock star, Bono, of U2, was knighted this week by the Queen of England. And he said "I'm happy to be knighted but I'm not gonna rest until I'm sainted."

TITLE: Father Blows Best
Keith Richards is denying reports that he took his father's remains as ashes - mixed 'em together with cocaine and then snorted them. As delightful an idea as that is, he says it's not true. And if you look at this picture of Keith Richards, you kinda have to ask yourself, "Maybe he was snorting his own remains."

TITLE: News Alert
Pop icon Hilary Duff said she feels pressure not to be fat and to stay thin. Oh, you know, my bad. I got confused. I thought I was reading the newspaper but apparently I was reading Hilary Duff's diary.

TITLE: News Quiz
And finally... we wrap up each week with our news quiz question. Today's question is about Easter. The question is "Why bunnies?" Is it because
A) Bunnies symbolize fertility and rebirth
B) Bunnies have the strongest lobby
or
C) Easter Jackalope is just too hard to spell

That's "The Ointment" for another week. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. Have a great weekend and a great Easter, everybody.

(WATCH this episode)

Ointment Transcript 4/5/07

"The Ointment" Episode #272: "Exit Strategy"

It's Wed- nesday... No, it's not. It's Thursday, April... it's the day you're supposed to put on the microphone. It's Thursday, April 5, 2007. It's National Alcohol Screening Day but, Mom let's not let that get in the way of celebrating your birthday. I'm Steve Tatham and there's double your money back if you’re not satisfied.

TITLE: Exit Strategy
Our top story... the country of Iran has released all 15 UK troops that it was holding hostage. President Bush said "Well, that's OK. We'll find another reason to go to war with them."

TITLE: Who's the Boss?
Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, is in Syria, a nation that the U.S. considers a terrorist state. President Bush, from Washington D.C. said "I don't like her going to Syria. I don't approve. But at least it's better than her being here."

TITLE: Has He Found What He's Looking For Yet?
Rock star, Bono, of U2, was knighted this week by the Queen of England. And he said "I'm happy to be knighted but I'm not gonna rest until I'm sainted."

TITLE: Get a Life
The very popular virtual gaming site of "Second Life" is being infiltrated by federal officers after reports of gambling inside of the online universe. Federal officers are going in, as avatars, into the cyber-universe to investigate these gambling reports. If people are discovered to be spending all their time gambling inside of this internet site, they will be arrested. And, if convicted, they will not be held prisoner. They will instead be forced to go outside and get some fresh air.

TITLE: Burning Issue
Three Yale students were yesterday were arrested for burning the American flag. However, the U.S. Supreme Court has consistently ruled that flag-burning is protected as free speech. So, they're going to have to let these students go unless, and until; and don't underestimate the makers of the Patriot Act, someone figures out how to burn the U.S. Constitution.

TITLE: Family Ties
A new opinion poll about the Republican candidates running for President indicates that John McCain doesn't have a huge problem because of his advanced age. Mitt Romney does not have a huge problem because he's a Mormon. And Giuliani doesn't have a huge problem because he's been married three times. Although, it didn't ask in the poll "What do you think about a guy who marries his cousin?" Wait 'til that poll comes out Giuliani.

TITLE: Sam Fox
Hey, remember Sam Fox? That business man that gave a lot of money to Swift Boat Veterans for Truth and then George Bush decided to make him ambassador to Belgium and then the Congress said "No deal." Guess what. Congress is now on vacation so Bush said "Hey, you're appointed. You're in, Sam!" You know, Bush has become like the substitute teacher. Congress makes laws and then when they're out of town, Bush ignores them. Yeah, it's like "Yeah, Mrs. Waselchalk always let's us do it this way. We always pass the bong around during spelling bees."

Having a substitute teacher... (PHONE RINGS) Can somebody get that?

TITLE: Father Blows Best
And finally... in entertainment news. I guess this is entertaining. Keith Richards is denying reports that he took his father's remains as ashes - mixed 'em together with cocaine and snorted them. As delightful an idea as that is, he says it's not true. And if you look at this picture of Keith Richards, you kinda have to ask yourself "Maybe he was snorting his own remains."

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody. Happy Birthday, Mom.

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Ointment Transcript 4/4/07

"The Ointment" Episode #271: "Guest: Sally Mullins"

STEVE: It's Wednesday April 4, 2007 and you are watching "The Ointment." It's Landmine Awareness Day. I'm Steve Tatham. Watch where you step. It's Wednesday and, as I do every Wednesday, I have a special guest coming on the show. This week's guest is named Sally Mullins. She's a very funny comedian, as you will see shortly. But first, I want to tell you about an idea I have. It's about this thing we call the internet, which is supposed to be, afterall, interactive. And for a little more than a year now that I've been doing the show, I've been talking at you guys and now I want to give you a voice on the show. So, what I'm gonna do is ask for you to send me a video about something that's in the news. Anything that either excites you or bugs you. Whatever it is. Make a video about a minute long and send it to me and maybe I'll put it on the show and you could become a special Ointment correspondent. So, send your video to fakenews@theointment.com. Again, make it about a minute long and we'll see what happens. We'll figure it out together. I look forward to those. But first, let's get to our top story.

TITLE: Scare City
STEVE: Our top story... there's a draught here in Los Angeles. The longest draught in recent memory. And by draught... when I say "draught" I mean a starlet hasn't flashed her #%*! to the world in hours.

TITLE: Special Guest
STEVE: As I mentioned, today's guest is Sally Mullins, a funny Los Angles-area comedian who can be seen at local comedy clubs like the Comedy Store in Hollywood and the Ice House in Pasadena, among others. And today she's gracing the Ointment studios. And Sally, I've gotta say, you look very lovely today and, if you don't mind my saying so, that's a very nice outfit that you have there.
SALLY: Thank you. Yes, I just got this at that store in the mall, "Forever 38."
STEVE: Yeah, I've seen it.
SALLY: It's this sale: Cougar and MILF Day Sale. So, I was in there early. I didn't want to mess with those MILF's. They will claw you. You know. The cougars hang back a little more. But those MILF's, you know. Phew! Yeah.
STEVE: Gotta watch out for 'em, huh?
SALLY: Came out all right. Yes. Yes. Yeah. So I'm not one of... You know I'm... I shouldn't really be calling myself a "cougar." I like... I like young guys but it's not always the way to go because it seems to me, Steve, that every time I get involved with a younger guy I get hurt. I... I'll start thinking "Oh, he's just my party buddy." You know I'm the Sugar Momma. I pay for the Pink Dot. That's what I do. But sooner or later I'm gonna be like "Oh my God, look at the way he holds that joint. He's gonna make a great dad." Never works out. Never works out.
STEVE: Well, with those criteria, I don't know why it's not working out for you.
SALLY: I can't figure it out, either. It's a lot of divorced men, though really. No, my real dating pool is divorced men.
STEVE: That's your area?
SALLY: Yeah. Are you divorced, Steve?
STEVE: No, I'm not.
SALLY: Oh, OK. I mean, there's nothing wrong with it. You now, I hope to be divorced myself someday. I don't ask it in a bad way but I am dating a lot of guys who are divorced and had a bad experience on this one date recently. This guy was like, uh "Oh God, I hate my ex-wife. I hate her. I was with her for two years and she got everything I had." And I was, you know, "Well, I, I, I don't want that. But I'd like a beer. If that's half your stuff, your lawyer sucked." It's hard enough to find your own place to live. You know, it's expensive in L.A. For everyone watching, it is hard to live in L.A. It's very expensive. And I'm looking for a new apartment right now. And this landlord - he seemed real nice at first. He said to me "It's not the best cast of characters in this building. We've got some recovered addicts. And we've got some addicts who are just starting out. We've got some older prostitutes but most of the sex offenders here are pedophiles, so there's no one bothering each other. And I said to him... I said "Well, I'm just a standup comic." And he said "Get the hell outta here." I said "No, really. I'm at the Improv, Comedy..." He goes "No, really. Get the hell outta here!"
STEVE: We don't want your kind.
SALLY: I promised the whores no more comics. Yes.
STEVE: Yes, it's tough, isn't it?
SALLY: It is tough. It's real easy to fall into a lot of negative patterns. I try not to date guys for money. Although a lot of my friends do. More power to 'em. You know, I mean, I'm not that young anymore. If I want to get a Sugar Daddy he's gonna be way up there. And chances are he's not even gonna know how much things cost these days. He'll be like "Here, Honey. Here's a twenty-dollar bill. You get yourself some new shoes... and a dress ...and a hat ...some jewelry ...pick up your rent, too." Yeah, I don't... It's not...
STEVE: I like that he's buying you hats, though.
SALLY: Yes, well, it's a different era for him.
STEVE: Right.
SALLY: I do appreciate it. I tell you what, the hottest guy I ever hooked up with in L.A. was broke. He was a mall security guard. And I'd just moved out here and my mom wanted to know "Are you meeting producers, directors?" I said "Oh, he works in the mall. He's a security guard. And she said "Oh, he doesn't have a lot of money." And I said "No, but, any guy'll take a bullet for eight seventy-five an hour, imagine what he's doing for sex." Just trying to make my mom feel better.
STEVE: I'm sure that was a great comfort to her.
SALLY: Yes. Brought my mom a lot of comfort over the years, I'm sure.
STEVE: Well, she must be very proud of her...
SALLY: Oh, very. Yeah. Doing comedy and...
STEVE: Is she a fan?
SALLY: Oh, she hasn't seen it. Hasn't seen it. Maybe she'll see this.
STEVE: Well, let's hope so.
SALLY: She's a lovely woman. She's an English woman. Lovely woman. But, you know she's got an English accent. Like, I can remember being in the department store when I was a little girl and my mom would say to me, you know "Stand up straight! Look me in the eye. Piss off!" And people would come from all over the store and they'd say "You know, Ma'am, we heard the way you were talking to your little girl just now. And your accent is so cute!"
STEVE: Well, Sally, unfortunately, we are out of time, but thank you very much for coming on the show today. I really appreciate it. Ladies and gentlemen. Sally Mullins.

TITLE: Mmmm Tastes Like Cancer.
STEVE: And finally... I have some news from the Food and Drug Administration. The FDA has decided to relax the rules on irradiation of food. That does not sound good to me. Relaxing the rules. Some of the food that's now being radiated is gonna now be labeled as "pasteurized." As in "Yes, I got the cancer from the pasteurization." That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. I look forward to receiving those videos. Send 'em to fakenews@theointment.com. A minute long. All right all you Ointment Correspondents - look forward to hearing from you. And we'll catch you tomorrow, everybody.

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Ointment Transcript 4/3/07

"The Ointment" Episode #270: "Baseball, Passover and Poetry"

It's Tuesday, April 3rd, 2007. Woo-hoo! Buckeyes! Go Bucks! What's that? Oh. What I meant to say is "Go Gators. Woo-hoo! Number one! All right Gators!" You know this whole little bit here is giving me déjà vu. I feel like I just did this like three months ago.

So baseball season starts this week, it's Passover and April is national poetry month. So I say "Take me out to the ballgame - you gotsta. Unless you'd rather stay home and eat matzah." That is talent.

So, I'm gonna change.

There. That's better. Image: very important here in Hollywood. In case you had any doubt about that... LA Times. This guy: King Henry VIII, because, as we all know, the King loved Pilates and had his hair done by Jose Eber.

TITLE: Green Supremes
Our top story: the United States Supreme Court ruled that the Environmental Protection Agency can actually regulate carbon emissions from automobiles. This is a blow to the Bush administration. Imagine their surprise when they learned that the Environmental Protection Agency is actually allowed to protect the environment.

TITLE: Absentee Voters
In other political news, Barack Obama, the United States Senator who's running for President of the United States, said that he does not believe the Democratic-lead US Senate will vote to ending funding for the war in Iraq because, despite strongly held beliefs, this would involve - how do you say? Oh yeah, following through on a conviction.

TITLE: Spent
Turning to business news, New Century, the big mortgage company in Irvine, California, has gone Chapter 11 - a sign of the slumping housing industry. This is a mortgage company that used to give a lot of loans to people with very poor credit. But the company has a plan for turning itself around. Now that it has bad credit, it's gonna loan itself a lot of money.

TITLE: The Final Frontier
In entertainment news, remember James Doohan? He played Scotty from "Star Trek." Well, he passed away, sadly. And now his remains are being blasted into outer space in, what I like to call, the "Scotty Rocket." And the good news for Scotty, in space no one can hear your bad acting.

TITLE: Hairy Fight
Turning to wrestling news, it's the fake Battle of the Billionaires and it has been resolved. Surrogate wrestlers representing Vince McMahon, the wrestling entrepreneur and Donald Trump, the real estate magnate, battled it out and Team Trump emerged victorious. To add humiliation to defeat, Trump shaved the head of McMahon because that was the bet. And, let me tell you, it's a good thing it wasn't the other way around. Cause I don't think McMahon would have ever been able to get his razor through that hair of Trump's and all that product.

TITLE: News Alert
And finally... in entertainment news, pop icon Hilary Duff said she feels pressure not to be fat and to stay thin. Oh, you know, my bad. I got confused. I thought I was reading the newspaper but apparently I was reading Hilary Duff's diary.

That's "The Ointment" for another day. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow everybody.

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Ointment Transcript 4/2/07

"The Ointment" Episode #269: "It Takes One to Know One"

It's Monday, April 2, 2007 and you are watching "The Ointment." As they say, "April showers bring gay flowers." I'm Steve Tatham and I want to be your April Fool.

TITLE: Shiny First Quarter
Our top story... Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton raised $36 million breaking the all-time fundraising record for a presidential candidate. The record was held by her husband when he was raising funds for his reelection bid. He raised money by promising campaign donors that he would personally insert a cigar into the orifice of their choice.

TITLE: Tommy Can They Hear You?
In other campaign news, Republican Tommy Thompson declared that he is a candidate for President of the United States. Well, it's not really so much news as it is a sad cry for attention.

TITLE: What Else is On?
Iranian television broadcast new footage of UK soldiers being held hostage in Iran. The Fox television network immediately optioned the footage for a new television reality series called "Who Wants to Start a War?"

TITLE: It Takes One to Know One
Henry Kissinger announced over the weekend that a military victory is no longer possible in Iraq. He said, however, that he does sympathize with President Bush. In a statement Kissinger said, "I feel sorry for these guys. But on the other hand, I feel great because they screwed up even worse than we did."

TITLE: A Flood of News
Two major earthquakes rocked the South Pacific creating a tsunami in the Solomon Islands. A spokesperson for the National Weather Service said, "We don't have a bureau in the Solomon Islands. We don't have footage of the tsunami in the Solomon Islands. So it's not really news, is it?"

TITLE: Smearing Art
The exhibit by New York artist Cosimo Cavallaro, of a 6-foot tall chocolate Jesus, has been cancelled due to threats and outraged reaction from Catholics everywhere, including from Cardinal Edward Egan. The Cardinal said "how dare anyone exhibit a chocolate Jesus during this holy week of Easter. Everyone knows that our faith is best represented by little chocolate eggs and chocolate bunnies."

TITLE: Applemania
In entertainment news, Beatles fans’ hopes everywhere were dashed when an expected announcement didn't come to pass making the Beatles catalog available via iTunes. Steve Jobs, however, the head of Apple, did say you can now download him humming the entire Sergeant Pepper soundtrack.

TITLE: Long Distance Message
And finally... a diary purchased on eBay may contain clues of the last days of pioneering aviator Amelia Earhart. A reporter was listening to her very last transmission and wrote it down verbatim and that transcript has now been sold to some lucky bidder. And this is what Amelia Earhart said, and I quote "Write this down and in 70 years sell the rights to the highest bidder."

That's "The Ointment" for another day. Thanks for tuning in. I'm Steve Tatham and that's news. We'll catch you tomorrow, everybody.

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